rose and my heart.

summer finally came. in its half ass way anyhow. with mosquitos. bastard.

determined to enjoy every moment possible, Caden and I have beached, camped, or adventured almost daily (that he is with me and not dad). today being an exception because our house is in serious need of order and i being inordinately strung out and going through some serious life changes feel the need to ORGANIZE. control what you can, let the rest go. my mantra for survival as of now. i will learn to live and be soon.

caden will be four so soon. in say 4 days. we will have party hats and cupcakes at our normal beach haunt in the afternoon. i hope that many people that love him and have known him forever since belly and beyond will come and wear hats with us. he is my sunshine. i am aware daily that his love is really all i need to feel so content and proud.

i find that i miss my east coast sisters and stefan almost hourly. it gets worse and worse. somehow i think that they can fill some hole that has been growing in my heart. kallista blesses me with her love and support almost every day, but she is just one piece of our familial puzzle. she grows in front of my eyes. it is so funny and calming all at the same time.

papa and i have had some really nice times lately. dinner at anchovies and olives on Sunday was nice. we had soft shell crab ( a first for him) and mackerel. olives also. and fernet branca for me, water for him. then we had americanos. i will miss the coffee if ever i leave seattle. it will be very sad to not be able to get an amazing cup of joe at the end of a fab meal. i find that somehow i am not afraid of him, to just say what i think, give suggestions about life and let loose. we examine eachother in a frank playful way. sometimes it gets emotional and heated (usually my fault, i push buttons like a pro) but normally i hope productive. often i feel like a translator for others. by others i mean kids. life is really hard for almost all of us pappas' right now whether via change, monetary or circumstantial. but i know we will prevail.

i look forward to our summit. it will be epic.